Just My 2 Cents

Ahhh the taunts that never go away.  Margaret Cho knows what I mean.  http://jezebel.com/5875219/
This blog entry of hers made me cheer and realize how I naturally hid and made myself so small (ironic) for fear of jokes and mean words.  I wasn't the fighter she is.  And thank God, I never had to deal with the brutality she dealt with.  My bullies were more subtle and even pretended to like me.  Anyway I developed my sense of humor starting with beating them all to the punch.. took along time to stop that  ..I still deal with that.  It became so natural it was affecting auditions and every other part of my life. When the words were kind but shared the same hurtful sentiment, I accepted that that's how people, especially men, thought of women who looked like me.  -Friend material for sure but with sad condescension, not lover material.

The people who throw words like blades... Well, you can see them coming.  And no, it doesn't hurt less because you know these jerks are not few.  They are the mainstream.  So you learn to dodge them like a skittish cat and you become convinced that the whole world shares their small minded beliefs.  Hell, the media tells you so...But they are the weak minded and fearful lot that get their jollies feeling big and strong putting others down.  How insecure do you have to be to really want to keep a group of people down?   (see Nazis, slave owners, homophobes etc etc) Sadly, the wounds that are eternal mostly come from the ones who mean well.  They tell you you'd be so pretty if...  or you have such a pretty face, what a shame...they show their prejudice then add that they love you and care and don't want to see you hurt.  Such a mixed message.

Half the reason I put myself out there now as an actress and singer is to constantly do battle with my inner demons around my weight and feelings of ugliness.  I don't remember a time I was ever happy with my looks.  Even those 15 minutes in high school where I actually was thin.  So clearly even when I was thin, I didn't "see" thin.  Body dysmorphic thoughts are always waiting in the wings to take me down.  But it's a fight worth winning.  And I will win.

My attempt at being more regular..AKA Prunes for the soul

OK  Here I go trying to be all communicative during a Mercury  Retrograde... so me!  I'm gonna try to take you on my little journey of going back into acting as a 40+... Plus sized....character actress. It's  like a train wreck..only funnier..I hope!

So tell your friends feel free to comment and hop on the ride down this rabbit hole, and with any luck we will all enjoy a bit of OZ!

ciao for now!

Home for the Holidaze

I'm not particularly home for the holidays since I actually live at home. But I almost wish I didn't so that I could experience that great feeling of getting out of school after finals and making the travel plans to fly home after a long semester. In any case, I started my holiday the eve of thanksgiving with Mr Magoo's Christmas Carol and the musical SCROOGE. Ok, go ahead and yell at me. I started before Thanksgiving technically but I really missed the music and tinsel this year...

I didn't do anything for Halloween and I usually have some nerdy thing to attend.. I even missed seeing the Rocky Horror Picture Show (at 43 it may be more sad than cool but hey, it's still fun with the right friends). Anyhoo, I missed the costume opportunity and no longer had my performing outlet called "Tony and Tina's Wedding" (where I could have written off my glitter with as much bold and sparkly makeup I bought for that show) but decided the glitter could be used for Christmas.. (I even visited Sephora to stock up on non chunky glitter and "glitter glue" for the eyes so I'd be more subtle...yeah... me...subtle ;-)

Clearly that ship has sailed.

Anyway, it was a slow November for bookings and auditions which was sorta sad since october and september were kinda cool and ego boosting in the Voice Over department. THEN, one of the auditions I received last week was insanely attractive because of the astronomical compensation. Wish I could be more specific but it would have been more than I ever made in my life. How do you get that image out of your head when you're trying to be casual and not care too much about any audition.. Ugh I bet the smell of my desperation preceded my recording by 20 yards.

As if a budding career in the entertainment business wasn't stressful enough, My mom is going in for knee replacement surgery. I'm not really worried about that. She will be fine and recover for a good month after just like she did for the first knee replacement, which is now working flawlessly. What has me stressed out is how my Dad cannot function without her and instantly looks at this as a possibility she might not make it. THAT FREAKS ME OUT. It's all good. He's always been the nervous type and my mom cool as a cucumber.. Problem is I'm just this side of neurotic with a dash of crisis management compulsion. So I'm ready and able to put on the brave face but Jeez I'm just so tired.

And welcome to my holidays.. you'd think I'd be used to it since every stressful, tragic thing that happens in my family is almost without fail during the holiday season. MERRY FREAKIN CHRISTMAS!!!

Aww now that doesn't mean I don't like my holidays.. I love them..just as I did as a kid. As soon as I hear Christmas music I'm sensorially shot back to my dreamy youth and the and tastes smells that go with it... pine, egg nog with nutmeg and ribbon candy. No matter what else it brings this Christmas, I keep my eye on the prize: Having family cozy together. Oh and the Grinch who Stole Christmas with maybe Rudolph and the Heat Meiser song too.

REALLY?

2009? That's the last time I had anything to say? That so doesn't sound like me. Well I have definitely been auditioning and definitely been continuing my psychic work. I think my biggest lesson lately is not to melt down or regress to my less confident self becasue all I'm hearing is crickets.... It's slow..It's the economy...It's anything but it's not ME...Well, I still keep taking classes and practicing to make sure it's not me but let's not get too deep into that vortex or I WILL need a therapy session... or chocolate.

And CUT...

Well 7am came around very soon simply because I couldn't fall asleep last night. But I made it to the shoot at MARS restaurant on Brannen and 7th. Meals were cooked actors were eating my character thankfully stopped eating for these scenes. it was rather freezing out and the scene is a patio scene. and as we tried to shoot the sun decided to rise right in our faces. So we went on break for a half hour..lol During this time I got to hang with some really nice and fun actors. One who was a retired NY Policeman who has a role on Trauma right now. He plays a paramedic. A very interesting guy. All of us talked shop and had a nice time. After we filmed a reunion scene I was wrapped!! Wow it's all a blurrrrrr. but so much fun...I crew all hugged me and said they actually wanted to work with me again! I was so touched. I love my LIFE!!

SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Ok so Today's filming was almost entirely in one tiny little room. I was relieved not having to eat again...This time I got to be filmed in various stages of hypnosis.. which literally means I was filmed sleeping..ALOT.. My favorite crew guy took pictures of me... He was giggling at me becasue I changed out fits like 25 times but after each time I was filmed laying down. finally he asked me to suck my thumb.. god knows why but I did and he snapped a photo twinkling with GLEEEEEE

He's so fun! so that's how the day went.. then as we wrapped at 7pm, I was told we needed to go back to the home in San Rafael for 3 more scenes...WOW ok fine...When we got there MORE FOOOOD uuugh.. ok this time I was actually a bit hungry so I decided to swallow.

(Dont get too excited)

It didnt take long for me to start spitting. bags of salty chips then LARGE chocolate bars. I hated wasting them but there was no way I was eating all that. The last scene was actually quite emotional and after the second take, there was a collective whoa from the crew because I actually started to cry. COOL huh? My buddy was surprised and took me aside and said I was a very good actress.. He asked for my card becasue he does his own film work and wanted to keep me on file as an actres.. HOW COOL IS THAT? We;; one ,ore day to go... WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..I'm so blessed

C is for COOKIE and CAKE and...

ALright the adventure started bright and early with a train ride to Hillsdale.. after some time freezing in a parkinglot.. I was picked up and taken to a medical center where I was squeezed into the most unattractive hospital gown and prep'd for surgery ( I feel a theme coming on) Ok this time I was not a victim so much as I was supposedly being hypnotized to believe I've had a surgery to get a lapband. It's basically a dream sequence. the guy playing the surgeon kept teasing me with the scalpel and I giggled as he tickled my bare tummy with the tip of the blunt tool....The gas mask kept falling and when it didn't the girl playing the assistant kept forgeting to take the mask off me.. I found breathing to be a challenge during those times.

Another shot was a cool ride...literally...I got to ride a gurney over and over again as they took me up and down a hallway 10 or so times.. I was getting dizzy evertime they had to spin me around to rush down he hall again. At one point the Camera man stradled me standing with the Camera pointed at me While we are flying down the a=hall.. i swear The nervousness on my face there is real....

That was my trip to Hillsdale..

NEXt we packed it all up and drove to a lovely home in San Rafael around 2pm. This was where my day really started. I was in every shot for the next 8hours. First shot was me "working out" Oh great I don't have tennis shoes... so like Cinderella I tried on the shoes of different crew members ...wouldn't you know the director and I have similar sized feet so off I ran in his shoes... Only me..this stuff only happens to me!

This crew is SUPER fun and funny ..MY character has to have an eating disorder...because being a large woman myself I know for a fact I do not eat the way this woman supposedly did. I fear this is something people assume we all do. To give you an idea, I started with chips and a few cookies. Ok fine I can handle this... Then the same day this character had a huge piece of chocolate cake, then later on that same day she had a lunch of a huge bowl (as in serving bowl) of pasta and smaller bowl of mashed potatoes and a salad I never touched. HAHA I get the joke FUNNY

OH By the WAY.....I had a husband today too.. A HOTTIE named REED!

Hi REED you were awesome to play with keep in touch!

Seriously two other extras stopped me and said "is HE playing your husband? NIIICE..Lucky bitch" I had to agree. He turned out to be an excellent and generous acting partner too.

Anyway, after all that fake eating it was time for the dinner scene for that same day. She made her husband and son a fried chicken meal but she had a LARGE full Pizza to herself in front of them. (yes I was eating or rather chewing all of these things then spitting them out not actually ingesting anything.) this was very ODD to say the least. in TV terms I'm eating NON STOP. Ok I didn't have the heart to tell them just becasue a woman is fat doesn't mean she is gorging on food 24/7 .. why bother.. it's a chaching for me. And like i said, I chewed and spit out everything. (well I had a cookie or two. But everything else was spit out) .. IRONY of it all was I was not at all hungry and still am not. I even skipped the dinner they sent for. I felt like I really had been eating all day. I may try this new diet..lol

I will be posting some fun videos I recorded . Soon crew members took my flip and started to record FOR me too.. They were awesome. We were all exhausted but having a blast teasing each other. . . For example t get me to eat as much as they wanted me to one guy prompted me to eat bite for bite.. I was sinhaling cookies and chips and cake..and trying REALLY hard not to laugh at this deep voice saying EAT EAT EAT eat eateateateat. He sped up so fast and I was trying to bite faster and faster..that the crew all stopped becasue they were laughing so hard. I lost it too and felt bad for each poor sap who walked around following me with a garbage bag.

WEll evening came and I was finally finished eating. The adorable boy, Logan , playing my son was on his way home. and Reed and I had to get in bed and fight.. Ok not what either of us expected when we were told we were gonna be in sleepware. It was a great scene to work on.. we really got into it. the next scene was more like comic relief. Reed was asleep next to me I was supposed to wake up hungry.. apparantly I wasn't looking hungry enough so they prompted me again with a deep throated HUNGRY..HUNGRY HUNGRY ..Reed kept giggling I would lose it we'd have to do it over again... It was surreal. Finally I have a camera inches away from my belly.. Reed again is crackin up..I am told to move my hands across my belly almost in pain but determined not to eat. It was too unreal but whatchagonna do?

Anyhoo, that was day one.. 12 plus hours of fun and mayhem. another long day tomorrow.

and even though I am totally wiped out i can't wait to do more!!