2012 half gone? Purple Panties UPDATE

  Ok I really need to write this more consistently.  I have been blessed to be doing a live sketch comedy show recently.  It's so damn funny.  All transcripts of things that were never meant to be public .  Wire tappings, hot micas.  overheard conversations.  accidental reply all emails.. ALL just hilarious  famous and non famous alike!  I really believe in this show  but getting people to know we are HERE is a whole other story.  Lessons in self marketing!  It comes on the heels of another serendipitous event.  The process of creating a one woman show based on the career of Mama Cass!  I have been tuning about this for a very long time but recently someone else brought it up to me as a project and MY GOD did it feel right.  So away we go !!

I love the creating...I love the singing and the acting and I hope to make something beautiful!

  Whew  what a year so far.. it started with a secret commercial..filming on a ferry boat for 3 hours..Super fun.. it continued with an improv class that allowed me to perform at the Amazing and historic PURPLE ONION  for 7 weeks and now this funny show Verbatim Verboten!  So Blessed and so grateful!!  And like the greedy child I am  all I want is MORE!!

  I have been looking at the performers who really inspire me  and feeling so pulled to get back into theatre and even singing.. who know.. I thought that might be in the past.  but here we are again!  (I had a blood blister on my vocal chord from acid reflux year ago but that part of my range is sadly affected and difficult to sing thru.. any suggestions lovely singers out there?)

  ANYHOO, inspiration.. such a drug. Like falling in love...I feel kindred spirits and am drawn to work with them ..like we are magnetically awakened to work together at this time.  The Psychic in me LOVES this shit!  The artist in me NEEDS this shit!

 SO,  anyone know the fastest way to Broadway?

 I know (rolls eyes)....  practice practice practice!!!  ;-)

Just My 2 Cents

Ahhh the taunts that never go away.  Margaret Cho knows what I mean.  http://jezebel.com/5875219/
This blog entry of hers made me cheer and realize how I naturally hid and made myself so small (ironic) for fear of jokes and mean words.  I wasn't the fighter she is.  And thank God, I never had to deal with the brutality she dealt with.  My bullies were more subtle and even pretended to like me.  Anyway I developed my sense of humor starting with beating them all to the punch.. took along time to stop that  ..I still deal with that.  It became so natural it was affecting auditions and every other part of my life. When the words were kind but shared the same hurtful sentiment, I accepted that that's how people, especially men, thought of women who looked like me.  -Friend material for sure but with sad condescension, not lover material.

The people who throw words like blades... Well, you can see them coming.  And no, it doesn't hurt less because you know these jerks are not few.  They are the mainstream.  So you learn to dodge them like a skittish cat and you become convinced that the whole world shares their small minded beliefs.  Hell, the media tells you so...But they are the weak minded and fearful lot that get their jollies feeling big and strong putting others down.  How insecure do you have to be to really want to keep a group of people down?   (see Nazis, slave owners, homophobes etc etc) Sadly, the wounds that are eternal mostly come from the ones who mean well.  They tell you you'd be so pretty if...  or you have such a pretty face, what a shame...they show their prejudice then add that they love you and care and don't want to see you hurt.  Such a mixed message.

Half the reason I put myself out there now as an actress and singer is to constantly do battle with my inner demons around my weight and feelings of ugliness.  I don't remember a time I was ever happy with my looks.  Even those 15 minutes in high school where I actually was thin.  So clearly even when I was thin, I didn't "see" thin.  Body dysmorphic thoughts are always waiting in the wings to take me down.  But it's a fight worth winning.  And I will win.

My attempt at being more regular..AKA Prunes for the soul

OK  Here I go trying to be all communicative during a Mercury  Retrograde... so me!  I'm gonna try to take you on my little journey of going back into acting as a 40+... Plus sized....character actress. It's  like a train wreck..only funnier..I hope!

So tell your friends feel free to comment and hop on the ride down this rabbit hole, and with any luck we will all enjoy a bit of OZ!

ciao for now!

Home for the Holidaze

I'm not particularly home for the holidays since I actually live at home. But I almost wish I didn't so that I could experience that great feeling of getting out of school after finals and making the travel plans to fly home after a long semester. In any case, I started my holiday the eve of thanksgiving with Mr Magoo's Christmas Carol and the musical SCROOGE. Ok, go ahead and yell at me. I started before Thanksgiving technically but I really missed the music and tinsel this year...

I didn't do anything for Halloween and I usually have some nerdy thing to attend.. I even missed seeing the Rocky Horror Picture Show (at 43 it may be more sad than cool but hey, it's still fun with the right friends). Anyhoo, I missed the costume opportunity and no longer had my performing outlet called "Tony and Tina's Wedding" (where I could have written off my glitter with as much bold and sparkly makeup I bought for that show) but decided the glitter could be used for Christmas.. (I even visited Sephora to stock up on non chunky glitter and "glitter glue" for the eyes so I'd be more subtle...yeah... me...subtle ;-)

Clearly that ship has sailed.

Anyway, it was a slow November for bookings and auditions which was sorta sad since october and september were kinda cool and ego boosting in the Voice Over department. THEN, one of the auditions I received last week was insanely attractive because of the astronomical compensation. Wish I could be more specific but it would have been more than I ever made in my life. How do you get that image out of your head when you're trying to be casual and not care too much about any audition.. Ugh I bet the smell of my desperation preceded my recording by 20 yards.

As if a budding career in the entertainment business wasn't stressful enough, My mom is going in for knee replacement surgery. I'm not really worried about that. She will be fine and recover for a good month after just like she did for the first knee replacement, which is now working flawlessly. What has me stressed out is how my Dad cannot function without her and instantly looks at this as a possibility she might not make it. THAT FREAKS ME OUT. It's all good. He's always been the nervous type and my mom cool as a cucumber.. Problem is I'm just this side of neurotic with a dash of crisis management compulsion. So I'm ready and able to put on the brave face but Jeez I'm just so tired.

And welcome to my holidays.. you'd think I'd be used to it since every stressful, tragic thing that happens in my family is almost without fail during the holiday season. MERRY FREAKIN CHRISTMAS!!!

Aww now that doesn't mean I don't like my holidays.. I love them..just as I did as a kid. As soon as I hear Christmas music I'm sensorially shot back to my dreamy youth and the and tastes smells that go with it... pine, egg nog with nutmeg and ribbon candy. No matter what else it brings this Christmas, I keep my eye on the prize: Having family cozy together. Oh and the Grinch who Stole Christmas with maybe Rudolph and the Heat Meiser song too.

REALLY?

2009? That's the last time I had anything to say? That so doesn't sound like me. Well I have definitely been auditioning and definitely been continuing my psychic work. I think my biggest lesson lately is not to melt down or regress to my less confident self becasue all I'm hearing is crickets.... It's slow..It's the economy...It's anything but it's not ME...Well, I still keep taking classes and practicing to make sure it's not me but let's not get too deep into that vortex or I WILL need a therapy session... or chocolate.

And CUT...

Well 7am came around very soon simply because I couldn't fall asleep last night. But I made it to the shoot at MARS restaurant on Brannen and 7th. Meals were cooked actors were eating my character thankfully stopped eating for these scenes. it was rather freezing out and the scene is a patio scene. and as we tried to shoot the sun decided to rise right in our faces. So we went on break for a half hour..lol During this time I got to hang with some really nice and fun actors. One who was a retired NY Policeman who has a role on Trauma right now. He plays a paramedic. A very interesting guy. All of us talked shop and had a nice time. After we filmed a reunion scene I was wrapped!! Wow it's all a blurrrrrr. but so much fun...I crew all hugged me and said they actually wanted to work with me again! I was so touched. I love my LIFE!!

SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Ok so Today's filming was almost entirely in one tiny little room. I was relieved not having to eat again...This time I got to be filmed in various stages of hypnosis.. which literally means I was filmed sleeping..ALOT.. My favorite crew guy took pictures of me... He was giggling at me becasue I changed out fits like 25 times but after each time I was filmed laying down. finally he asked me to suck my thumb.. god knows why but I did and he snapped a photo twinkling with GLEEEEEE

He's so fun! so that's how the day went.. then as we wrapped at 7pm, I was told we needed to go back to the home in San Rafael for 3 more scenes...WOW ok fine...When we got there MORE FOOOOD uuugh.. ok this time I was actually a bit hungry so I decided to swallow.

(Dont get too excited)

It didnt take long for me to start spitting. bags of salty chips then LARGE chocolate bars. I hated wasting them but there was no way I was eating all that. The last scene was actually quite emotional and after the second take, there was a collective whoa from the crew because I actually started to cry. COOL huh? My buddy was surprised and took me aside and said I was a very good actress.. He asked for my card becasue he does his own film work and wanted to keep me on file as an actres.. HOW COOL IS THAT? We;; one ,ore day to go... WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..I'm so blessed