Just My 2 Cents

Ahhh the taunts that never go away.  Margaret Cho knows what I mean.  http://jezebel.com/5875219/
This blog entry of hers made me cheer and realize how I naturally hid and made myself so small (ironic) for fear of jokes and mean words.  I wasn't the fighter she is.  And thank God, I never had to deal with the brutality she dealt with.  My bullies were more subtle and even pretended to like me.  Anyway I developed my sense of humor starting with beating them all to the punch.. took along time to stop that  ..I still deal with that.  It became so natural it was affecting auditions and every other part of my life. When the words were kind but shared the same hurtful sentiment, I accepted that that's how people, especially men, thought of women who looked like me.  -Friend material for sure but with sad condescension, not lover material.

The people who throw words like blades... Well, you can see them coming.  And no, it doesn't hurt less because you know these jerks are not few.  They are the mainstream.  So you learn to dodge them like a skittish cat and you become convinced that the whole world shares their small minded beliefs.  Hell, the media tells you so...But they are the weak minded and fearful lot that get their jollies feeling big and strong putting others down.  How insecure do you have to be to really want to keep a group of people down?   (see Nazis, slave owners, homophobes etc etc) Sadly, the wounds that are eternal mostly come from the ones who mean well.  They tell you you'd be so pretty if...  or you have such a pretty face, what a shame...they show their prejudice then add that they love you and care and don't want to see you hurt.  Such a mixed message.

Half the reason I put myself out there now as an actress and singer is to constantly do battle with my inner demons around my weight and feelings of ugliness.  I don't remember a time I was ever happy with my looks.  Even those 15 minutes in high school where I actually was thin.  So clearly even when I was thin, I didn't "see" thin.  Body dysmorphic thoughts are always waiting in the wings to take me down.  But it's a fight worth winning.  And I will win.